I came home from work today, it was a slow day in general until the end where i got a lot of shit from coworkers, but jobs are like that I guess. When I came home I just sat on the couch. Staring. Thinking of my life up to that point. I was a smart kid, or at least witty. I've always did OK in school. Not 10's but not 7's either. I guess it was just out of laziness. I thought of the people that I have met in the last five years. The people who stuck around. They people who arent here anymore, the people i didnt really care for but stuck around anyway. As I stared into the oblivion of the living room wall I started to ponder. If i would see any of these people again. I started thinking about the people I would meet in the next five years, if i should meet any at all. I wondered if I could make as strong friendships as I have with the friends I have now. I started to wonder how I'm percieved by the people I am meeting everyday. I bursted into tears.
Because I have been/ am in a shitty mood lately. I have not been quite myself. I feel displaced. Alone. My current living situation is that I am living in a house that isn't mine, there for feeling like a guest day after day. I work at a job that i hate yet i keep a positive atitude, still the people at my job seem to dislike me. And i have yet to meet people my age. When and if i do i dont know how I will react since i have been cut off of most communication with my friends (due to my work hours).
I miss my town because most of my idiosyncrasies (i.e. crazy habits/wierd shit i did) where often taken lightly, they came off as interesting or odd or curious. Yet here, being these my first impresions, i feel that all my quirks just make me come off as the mental patient i really am.
In fewer words, i feel alone. I am scared of continuing being alone. I dont want to talk to my friends about it (Cas,Maida,Pau,Alvi, etc) because I'm pretty sure they're fucking tired of me being such a fucking drama queen. But I do really want to talk to them, even about meaningess shit, like "Did you see the Transoformers movie? Did you notice the latino guy just disapears after the first action scene? I mean he doesnt die or anything, he just, isnt in the movie anymore..." or something like it.
I miss when me and Cas used to make fun of people right in there faces when they where talking just by throwing eachother this look. I miss Maida knowing every obscure movie refrence I make. I miss Pau yelling at some waiter in some godforsaken bar over trivial shit. I miss Samara just agreeing to everything I said during a drunken rant just so i would shut up. I just, miss you guys....
And suddenly the boy had the courage and the strength, he got up even though his 5'9" frame was barely noticable for the ten foot monster, yet out of his pouch he took out the one thing he had left, the memories of better times. The boy grew, and grew, and grew, and before you knew it the roles where suddenly switched, the monster cursed at the boy and said that he would come again, to which the boy responded "I will be expecting you, and i wouldnt have it any other way..."
